Broken (7in7: Day 3)

Saturday, December 7, 2013

She has moved forward. Years have passed. Many would say to leave everything behind. To live now and let go of anything from before. In some ways she does. But under the surface she is still plagued with the effects. She has identified some tendencies. She picks fights to keep him close. Because anything is better than feeling like he is gone. She avoids the depth because its dark there. So when people get close she only lets them so far in. She would rather sting than be stung so she will hurt before she allows herself to be. She knew there were scars. She even knew she needed healing. But life kept moving and she kept pushing down the feelings that were swelling up. 

She didn't even know him. She couldn't know him. He should have been the man that she loved to visit. Whose lap she could climb up on and listen to him tell stories. But he wasn't safe. She had to be protected from him but still pretend that everything was normal and ok. Over twelve years had passed since seeing him. He was very sick. Not even really there any more. And she felt nothing. 

But then he died. 

He was a crack in the wall that she had built to protect her from everything. Suppressed memories rushed over her like a flood. Anger and hurt overwhelmed her. She couldn't even identify what was wrong until a few awful days passed. 

Suddenly it was as if she stood before a mirror for the first time.  She saw the truth. The ugliness of the wounds. Every hurt. Every feeling of abandonment. Every hurtful word. Every time words that were needed went unsaid. Every time she needed love and couldn't find it. 

No one taught her how to treat these wounds. So they were hidden. Infection grew and these bandages didn't just cover her. Her flesh attempted to heal around them. The pain stopped.

But the bandages became her. They became her identity. They hid the reality of her brokenness. She was deeply broken. 

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