He Meets Me Here

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

I haven't known how to share these words. The last several months have felt terribly hard and dark. Suffocating loneliness and things from my past that I had never even identified have been surfacing left and right. In the midst of all this the thought never crossed my mind but recently a friend also mentioned the postpartum side that very likely added to these struggles. 

In the midst of all of this I felt pretty angry. I could share with anyone in articulate language what I felt I needed. From my husband, from my family, from my friends. I could justify it and then felt very angry when I felt failed by the people who I was desperately relying on. 

There's a part of me that wishes I had some dramatic, explosive story to tell you about how I was brought out of this place but I don't. But I think that my story is more beautiful because of it's simplicity. 

So much of my faith and so many of my encounters with God have happened on the mountain top, literally- ski trips and figuratively- retreats, conferences...etc. God has a way of pulling us out of our day to day and putting us in his creation or under incredible teachers and worship leaders and showing us himself. My life has been deeply moved and impacted by these experiences and I definitely believe they have the ability to touch lives. But I have also seen how when these experiences lack the discipleship to teach us how to live out this radical faith in the day to day, often mundane, parts of our lives we come "down" and feel a little lost. 

When I first heard about the IF: Gathering (http://ifgathering.com/) I was thrilled. The message of this movement resonated so deeply with me AND it was on my birthday so it completely felt like fate. I hungered for the message they were talking about but more than that just longed for a place to escape. I pictured a girly weekend with friends, convinced Matthew to rent a hotel room for whoever I would go with, had conversations with a dear friend from out of state about her coming down and spread the word trying to convince people to join me. Well interest seemed scarce and then as many times as I tried entering my information it wouldn't go through and then sold out. Long story short is that it didn't even work out for me to get to a local gathering to watch the conference and so I just moved on. Then a friend who had watched the conference encouraged me to buy it so I could watch it myself. It was a great price and you got a free travel mug (I love myself a free mug!) so I downloaded the videos. 

I still haven't made it through all of it but have been DEEPLY touched, challenged and moved by what I have listened to. There are crazy powerful messages that have been incredibly important to me where I am at but I will save that for another post. 

One of the biggest things I learned in this was what it looks like for me to meet with God. I have listened to these teachings right here at my computer desk in the middle of my living room. Sometimes while children napped but often with a loud almost 3 year old and a newby crawler making mischief right behind me. I have processed these lessons through text messages and phone calls while doing dishes and making meals. I have sat at friends tables or restaurants and talked through the powerful work that God is doing in my life. 

I have had it regularly validated that this season (raising littles) is uniquely hard but am also being reminded through those mothers ahead of me that it is a season and one day I will no longer have to have any part in taking care of the pooping and peeing of another human being and what a glorious day that will be! God graciously, through making my If: Gathering happen alone in the midst of the beautiful craziness that is my life, taught me how to meet him HERE. There is beauty on the mountain and there is a time and place for that but how much more valuable is knowing how to find Jesus in my day to day...in my reality. 

We started there and over the last 6 weeks I feel like in what to any observing eye would look like a rather uneventful life of a stay at home mom I have been on a journey with my Jesus and he is growing me and shaping me and is SO near to me. I am excited to share the deeply valuable things he is teaching me but I am starting here because this is where he started with me.