I am really good at making plans and strategies to do things. I can't even count the number of cleaning schedules I have laid out to keep up with my house and then end up quitting. Same thing with meal planning. Same thing with reading. Same thing with exercise. Same thing with bible study.

I think that I have an expectation of perfection and when I fall even slightly short I just throw my hands in the air and quit. It seems like it would be better if it just looked like I wasn't even trying something than if I was trying and not excelling.

So I got this crazy idea to do 7in7. And even when I signed up I knew I was stepping outside of my comfort zone.  And it has by no means been easy but yesterday was a long and busy day, and a late night, following what has been a long and emotional week. And I just couldn't do it. 

And I think that was good. It was good to fail. I wouldn't even really call it a failure but it was good for me to feel the freedom to not do it perfectly. Because for me writing 6 things in 7 days is crazy good. And the challenge of it has done some good things in me. 

I am a creative person that has, for a lot of reasons, failed to have a consistent creative outlet. And this week of writing has given me a hunger and desire to express my creativity consistently. I think that will look differently every day but I think that it is a gift that I have failed to use. And it is also a means of worship and communion with God that strengthens my faith. It helps me to see him and I need to see him more. 

It also pushed me to process some things "out loud" that I have been holding onto. I am in a place where a lot is being surfaced and I need a means to work through it.  I don't think that writing is the only means to do that. I don't know that when I do write that it will always be done publicly but this has taught me that I need a tool to get out the things I am wrestling with.

It has also helped me realize that I have a voice. That there are things that I am learning and wrestling through that would help others to hear. There are truths that God is speaking to me that could be an encouragement to someone else. And the things I am learning even have a greater impact on me when I articulate them to someone else. Whether through writing them in a blog or sharing them over coffee. 

I have also realized that I thought 7in7 needed to involve something profound and artsy and unique. And I think I am coming to understand that there are times that my writing may be those things. But before what I write is for someone else, it is for me. It is for me to learn and process and grow. 

So I am glad I did 7in7.... or I guess 6in7. Because the goal really wasn't perfection. It was to let go of my fear and try something that scared me. And it feels good knowing I did that. It has also made me want to do 2 things more. I want to more consistently create. To not let the inspiration that surrounds me everyday sneak by without capturing it. And it makes me want to continue to step out of my comfort zone and overcome my fears. So whats next? Cooking class, karaoke, dance lessons... Stay tuned! 

It has also kickstarted the habit of regularly creating, of not letting inspiration sneak by without capturing it. 

Ronnie (7in7: Day 5)

I got home from Ronnie's memorial and got the kids fed and put to bed. I have been sitting in front of my computer for over an hour since then trying to find words to say. I feel incredibly heavy. I ache for Ronnie's family and for my pastors and my friends. I feel hope in the truth that was taught tonight, both about Ronnie's present and my future. I feel thankful for my church and that I have pastors who, in the midst of their pain, are teaching us to grieve with hope. I feel challenged by Ronnie's life. Challenged to loosen my grasp on the things of this world and live as a stranger like he did, longing for heaven. Challenged to love the word and hide it deep in my heart. 

Everyone who spoke tonight shared precious stories of our brother and powerful truth. Fabs shared a beautiful passage of scripture that I found so comforting. There isn't anything better I could say after a day like today. 

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom heforeknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. 

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies.Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;

    we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8: 18-39

Torn (7in7: Day 1)

Her memories are lacking. The few she has are blurred. This helped her cope. But it gave a false sense of healing. The hurt was buried so deep that she couldn't recognize the lingering effects. Though buried deep and not recalled often, the memories are still wounds that sting. It's like a deep bruise that stays forgotten until it is bumped. And then the pain comes on quick. 

She remembers little about the day. What caused the fight. What they wanted. Why she was in the middle. But she remembers the moment. The two people who should have given her the most security stood on either side. Each took a hand. She was old enough to remember but young enough to distort the memory. It likely only lasted a few seconds but felt like it never ended. They pulled. She was afraid. She felt unsafe. She didn't know who to turn to because she should have been turning to them both. Each wanted something different and trapped her in between. She never left this place. It never happened again-- but this feeling stayed with her the rest of her life. The safe became unsafe. The known became unknown. And a little girl stood alone in the middle.